Friday, December 31, 2010

Ever Stable

Hi it's still Mr. Curry. Ever is in a holding pattern so to speak right now. She can't be without oxygen but her breathing has improved and she's nursing again. She's been about the same for two days now so we're waiting for her to start improving again. We wanted to thank everyone for the thoughts and support. We're going to be at the hospital into next week. I'll try to check back in this weekend.
Happy New Year from the Kaiser fourth floor Pediatric Ward! We'll be toasting our vending machine coffee to hopefully a healthier New Year.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Ever really sick

It's Mr. Curry. Just wanted to give a quick update. Ever has RSV. We took her to the ER Monday morning and she was quickly admitted to the hospital. Yesterday was horrible and scary. Today was better. The doctors think she "turned a corner" today. So we are feeling relief, with our breaths held. We're probably going to be in the hospital through the weekend and possibly beyond. I'll be home randomly over the next few days and try to give brief updates.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

i've looked at love from both sides now

A hormonally charged Christmas, a Christmas with four children and one husband and two large shedding hairy flea-flurried dogs, with one grandma and one cousin and her husband and their little boy, with a sick Ever Elizabeth and a very tired and very grateful mom and dad. The older my children got, the more glasses of champagne I had toward the end of the day, as the kids dispersed to family or friends or visiting their biological dad; now I am full circle, back to abstaining from all alcohol, can't have eggnog because of Ever's tummy- or chocolate!- and so all the binging and indulgence was put aside for nurturing and refining. Although Mr. Curry had a few jack and cokes.

Christmas Eve Mr. Curry and I stayed up till past 1am wrapping presents, taking turns holding Ever as she snuffled and sneezed and snorted through her congestion, getting sentimental and morbid, reflecting on those we have lost and those lost to themselves, until finally I said We have to talk about something happy! And Mr. Curry agreed, and we sat in silence for a few minutes. Mr. Curry glanced at me, I glanced at him. We couldn't think of anything, we laughed. Ridiculous. We are so lucky, and so surrounded with and full of love; perhaps this puts into high relief those we have loved who are not, those we love... our minds wander to the lost and the hurting, like Mr. Curry's friend R. whose young sister died last month, and whose mother just had a stroke, and who spent Christmas Eve drunk and fighting with his wife, until he called Mr. Curry, slurring into the phone and taking him away from our gathering to try to encourage and support his friend.

Having babies does this to me, and to Mr. Curry- while we are intensely falling in love with our new, helpless and beautiful baby, we are more keenly aware of the other side of love, of pain, of suffering, not only far away and in mysterious homes, but in our own home, our families, our friends. I sit with Ever breathing noisily on my bare chest and the image crosses my mind of an infant left to cry in her crib, and I am seized in the chest and the throat with grief. It's unbearable, the things that happen to us feeling, sentient beings. And yet, there it is, to be borne. In the face of reality, we love harder and more pure, refine our daily lives, look to be better, more present, patient and teaching parents to our children, to love each other. Sometimes the love I feel is painful. It's so intense and bright and so soon after the birth of a baby, rides on the crest of an unstable wave, an anxious and yearning wave. As time goes by my body will adjust and settle and I will love from a better place, a place of more faith and trust and peace. The very act of loving makes us incredibly a newborn. We cry and we desire and we feel safe or afraid, loved or abandoned, and there is no one on this planet who will not hurt us if we love them, because that is the nature of life. To accept, to amend, to cleave, to better ourselves- this is my marriage and my parenting, full of flaws and then amendment and healing, and it is more than enough. I wish the same for every person. For all of us to be loved.

There arose such a splatter....

Later Christmas day, all we did was laugh. I changed Ever's poopy diaper on the couch with a blanket underneath her. As I slid a clean diaper under her butt, a bright yellow stream of poop shot out over the diaper and onto the back of Ever's outfit, the blanket, and my pants. Mr. Curry handed me the wipes and we began mopping up. Ever lay naked on top of her poopy outfit, and I picked her up and handed her to Mr. Curry. He stood holding Ever under her naked butt and across her chest, and I looked up at him as he began to say something about a clean outfit for her when her tiny cheeks opened and to my horror a long glow in the dark stream of poop shot like a cannon out of her butt and flew across the carpet ( splat splat splat ) onto the cardboard boxes ( splat SPLAT! ) across my pants and the couch and finally, in a few grunted last shots, over the front of Mr. Curry's shirt. We stood there, dumbfounded and silent for a brief moment before busting up laughing. Merry Christmas!

Friday, December 24, 2010

Baby Sick

Ever Elizabeth 3 weeks old, Lola Moon 8 years

Ever has a cold, congested. We are using the bulb sucker and she is snuffling and snorting breathing through her tiny baby nostrils. Her temperature is normal. I'm worried because at her last baby checkup, the doctor scared me silly about pertussis, to the point where I received the vaccine right there and then, in hopes of protecting Ever from getting it. Apparently there is a huge outbreak in San Diego and it's been very bad for infants. It starts out, the papers in the doctor's office said, with a runny nose and cough. Exactly like the common cold. And then apparently progresses rapidly to 'serious'. Any advice? Comments? Information?

thank goodness we got our tree up before Ever was's been a total joy to have it all this time home

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Handing Over the Baton

Ever smiles a lot, and we kiss her A LOT

Lola, Ever and I trekked to Starbucks this morning. I stood in line and realized that both of my daughters were clean and dressed beautifully, Lola with a chic brown newsboy cap on and red Converse, and that I looked like I went naked into a closet filled with dog hair and ill fitting clothes, twirled around three times until something stuck to my body, and then pulled on uggs. My hair was disheveled and tied into a Napoleon Dynamite style side pony that was supposed to be a regular pony but somehow went sideways during the morning. I'm falling apart and chubby with stretchy stomach skin and puffy, dark eyes, and my daughter's are radiant, gorgeous and slim. The official baton handing over has begun. My dears, take my youth, take my beauty, take my composure and sure opinions about the world, take my pretty skin and slim thighs, just keep giving me your love and trust, and I will consider it the best trade I've ever made.

oh dear. is this real life?

Tuesday, December 21, 2010


A few nights ago, I left Ever and Lola alone in the bedroom for a few minutes while I took my vitamins. When I came back in, I found Ever nursing on Lola's top lip. Lola had kissed her when she was fussing, and Ever latched on...and Lola sat there, patient as a mother, and let herself become a human pacifier. The next morning, we found that Lola had a purple bruise on her top lip.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Wolfgang and Ever

Wolfgang on baby duty

Ever is, so far, an 'easy' baby, meaning that she's not colicky or generally miserable most of the time, is able to be soothed, nurses well, and cries only to communicate a need, which when met, ends the crying. Obligatory poop information: We are highly concerned with the color of her poop. Yellow is good. Green, according to my chart, means either a virus or lactose intolerance. I cut out all 'obvious' dairy, such as milk and cheese, but still some creeps in, and her poop was green, then yellow again, then green again twice, and now is yellow again. .....? I've taken her temperature a few days and it's normal. On that note, you'll be delighted to hear ( what? you aren't? ) that Ever grunts exactly like a little billy goat when she is pooping. It's really funny. She also has the habit of knocking herself out immediately after pooping. Grunt, grunt, baa-baaa, snooooze. She also has been spitting up some, twice enough to have to change her outfit. That seems really strange to me for a breastfed baby. The doctor said CSection babies spit up more because they aren't compressed through the birthing canal and their lungs are not aspirated. So they have more ick in their lungs. But Ever is over two weeks. We will see at her appointment.
Since we are speaking of butts, Ever's is getting adorably chubby. What is cuter that a chubby baby butt?

We took all four kids out for the first time on Saturday night, to Mr. Curry's uncle's huge Christmas party. It was an awesome, full feeling to have our entire family in one car. Milestone.

I wasn't going to give Ever a pacifier until she was at least one month, but she is such a mouthy baby, and my breasts are getting so sore, that I did anyway. I am loving these BPA free, really cheap and cute pacifiers, minus the predictable fact that although we have FOUR, we can only find ONE.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Two Weeks

Thank you for taking these adorable pictures of me, Daddy :)

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Mr. Curry and Ever

13 days old on Daddy's chest

Mr. Curry is so in love and so paranoid about her safety, but in the sweetest way, not fearful but just incredibly protective. He holds in her in the bath while I sponge clean her head and bits, and she looks so fragile and beautiful it makes our hearts ache. Did you know that in the animal kingdom, human babies are born the most vulnerable, the least able to protect or care for themselves at all? Our heads can't be too big or birth would be impossible. Last night's dinner of breakfast for dinner ( eggs with spinach, french toast and sausage ) went over much better in her stomach than the before mentioned beans. I've cut out dairy, chocolate, beans and caffeine. I had to do the same for Lola when she was a nursing infant. Ever is a champion nurser, although she does tend toward a small latch, so I have to reopen her mouth and have her do it again because...ouch.

The anxiety is much better. Thank god for zoloft. My anxiety is chemical, it's not the result of negative thoughts, but the incredible churning chemical muck that happens inside of me like a diver's feet of the springboard, an overabundance of cortisol and adrenaline and depletion of seratonin, a process that I've tried to stop with high dose fish oil and exercise and self help, but that when in it's extremes, only responds to medication. Medium anxiety responds to the other measures, but this panic and clenched muscles and nightmarish feeling that leaves my muscles pulled and my heart skipping beats and my body jerking...that needs stronger muscle. And my children need ME, their mother, not the fearful, shaky and terrorized person I am when in the grips.

Mr. Curry.... is the love of my life. To see him move from reading Lola Harry Potter the other night to holding Ever while I shower is incredible for me. To have his eyes and voice and hands steadying me when I am lost is one of the biggest blessings of my life.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Dakota and Ever

Dakota is 16. Ever is 11 days old in these pictures. So...when she is 16...he'll be 32. Wow.

The above is the face she makes when someone is doing something to her, like kissing her or touching her feet, and she's deciding what to think about it. Hmmmmmmm I think this might be good....

Dakota says our dog Wolfgang is depressed because he realizes he is no longer the cutest thing in the house anymore.

My mom says Ever looks just like me when I was a baby. Ever has Mr. Curry's hair line and growth patterns exactly. And his chin. She looks like Dakota in the head shape and neck, and sometimes reminds me a heck of a lot of Lola. When she smiles, I see Ian.

(Last night I tried a bean burrito for dinner. Won't be doing that again. Ever no likey.)

6:30 Wake
7:30 Both kids off to school with separate friends giving rides
8:00-9:30 Sleep on couch with Ever
9:45 MIL visits, brings dinner foods! and decaf!
11:00 Mr. Curry home, we leave to run errand and take long drive
12:20 Pick up Lola, hit McDonalds for a treat
3:00 Lola leaves on playdate, Dakota at friends, Ian at Moms
3:00-3:30 Mr. Curry and I change Ever, change her again, and one last (squirt) time
3:30 then we leave to Xmas shop at Target with baby gift card my Uncle sent, I get pretzel and slurpie! Yay!
5:00 back at home, Lola arrives home, we turn on Xmas music, Mr. Curry
starts dinner, I try to tidy and fold laundry while nursing Ever off and on
and hold on to my peaceful heart.


Monday, December 13, 2010

Lola and Ever

11 Days Old

Mr. Curry pulled Lola's twin sized mattress out and placed it next to our Queen sized mattress, which sits on the mattress support but has no headboard or bedrails. We squeezed ( Mr. Curry is we ) in painting the room a medium-dark blue before Ever was born, and with all the incredible cozy fluffy blankets and pillows, the beds next to the blue walls, the television propped at the end of the bed on my old white wicker trunk, we have our own nest. Ever sleeps next to me away from the cloud of blankets on the other side of me, I only use one blanket for her safety, and a small pillow. She wakes through the night to nurse and falls back asleep. After one night where I never fully woke and changed her and she pooped up to her fuzzy duckling hair, I make sure to get up at least once and change her halfway through the night. We fall asleep with Harry Potter playing on DVD as a soother for all of us. Harry Potter, especially the first few, is very comforting. Lola is the one sleeping to the side of me, while Mr. Curry sleeps on her twin sized mattress on the floor. In a few days or so, we will transition her to the mattress on the floor.

No baby has ever been kissed and cooed over more. All the kids are wonderful with her and love her completely. I took Ever for our first solo outing to Starbucks the other day and she did wonderfully. Mr. Curry gave me a set of 'rules' for helping with the anxiety and one of them is to get out of the house every day, to walk Ever in her stroller or take a trip with Mr. Curry and the kids after school pickup to the grocery store.

Lola really struggled after seeing me in the hospital. We did not prepare her for what I would look like if I had a CSection, we just completely dropped the ball on that, and she left crying her eyes out the first time she saw me, my face extremely swollen from the three bags of fluid pumped in me to keep my blood pressure stable, the large IV on top my hand pumping morphine, the tubes in my arms, the tape, the hospital ID tags, and even the strange smell of me as all the anesthesia seeped from my pores. For the first few days we were home she was terribly anxious and sad. I did the best I could, Mr. Curry did better, and we used all the tools we could think of- play, exercise, attention, thought direction. My mom reminded me to use silliness and laughter to help Lola reverse that feeling, and her advice was spot on. We are keeping her busy and she has gotten much better the last few days, back to her old self, until this morning she saw a Full House episode where the littlest girl was afraid of her dad dying in an earthquake. Lola called me from her school to remind me about a form I needed to sign, and when she couldn't get ahold of me ( I was getting wipes at Target ) began crying in the office. They called Mr. Curry and he talked to Lola for ten minutes, but couldn't get her to stop crying. Finally I got a hold of Lola and spent quite a while talking to her about how feelings aren't reality, to replace the negative thoughts in her head immediately with true, good ones, etc etc. I hate that she has this problem, inherited from me. Anxiety is much more common in women and tends to run in families. It certainly has in mine.

Lola is an amazing big sister. She picks out outfits for Ever, brings her the pacifier, rocks her seat when Ever begins fussing, holds her, talks to her, sings to her, draws her. I am so proud of Lola's enormous heart and sensitive spirit.

Mr. Curry is jack of all trades right now, working and then arriving home anywhere from 12-2 or 3pm, to go shopping and get me and the kids out of the house, then do housework, make dinner, and hold his baby girl. He is an amazing and loving Dad and has been 100% supportive of me as I work through this hormonal and chemical cocktail. His face, voice and hands steady me like nothing else.

Ever is sleeping in her swing right now. She's an angel.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Post Partum Anxiety

Hello my friends. I am not able to post as I had expected. I have developed postpartum anxiety. I have had to increase my zoloft to 100 which I had so much hoped not to do. I talked to Ever's pediatrician at her follow up visit and she agrees zoloft is the safest drug for breastfeeding moms but still who wants to take a drug when they are nursing their beautiful baby. I am praying and hoping for it to work and am not sure how long to expect to wait. I think I feel maybe 20% better than I did a few days ago. This alternate world that my chemical makeup is forcing me to live in is horrible. I am afraid all day. Of everything and nothing. I tremble and do my breathing excercises. Mr. Curry is my rock. I am doing the best I can for my children. That is the focus of my world right now, to hold it together for my kids. I love my baby girl so much and hate having to spend my time wrapped in this horrible feeling. I can barely write these words. Thank you all for your loving comments on Ever in the last post. She is an angel and all the kids are wonderful with her.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Ever Elizabeth: Two Days Old

Hi everyone, my friends, my awesome support team through this pregnancy: this is our girl. Our Ever. She is sleeping in her car seat as I type, while Lola sits on the floor next to her watching TV. She is my first baby born with hair :) And blue eyes, so far, and a face so sweet and wonderful that I have kissed her a thousand million times already. She turns her face to me and starts blinking and opening her mouth to nurse with a tiny grin now, when I kiss her, because she's a genius obviously, and has already put together that Mommy kissing her and saying Mommy's here means booby is coming. Everything is surreal from hormones, drugs and lack of sleep, but I am madly in love and falling harder every second. It's like the largest roller coaster ride in the world. To love someone this much is a sweet agony of the heart. Tonight, Mr. Curry is cooking pork chops, mashed potatoes, green beans and french bread, and then we will eat Nutter Butters for dessert. I will walk and nurse Ever while Mr. Curry and I watch some TV, and then the night will open with it's mysterious doors that are known only to parents of the very small. I love you all and thank you for your words of encouragement. Look at her!!!! xoxoxoxo

Friday, December 3, 2010

Would you like to meet Ever Elizabeth Ethridge Curry?

Well.... you have to wait one more day. Maggie is recovering and Ever is the most beautiful thing we have ever seen. My admirable wife will be home tommorrow and give everybody a proper introduction. But Ever is healthy, beautiful and has already made a grown man cry. Pictures tommorrow I promise.
(A very sleep deprived) Mr. Curry
P.S. I really hate Hello Kitty. This blog does not endorse or appreciate Hello Kitty on their birth card.
P.S.S. She's so beautiful and perfect I can't stand it.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Coming Attractions

one more day of my big belly
ps no this is not me

The Horse Head Warning - one of the cutest, most perfect short posts ever. I literally went HA! at the end
I always wish I had said the exactly right zinger to a jerkface. Read this story, where Stacey did exactly that. Another HA!! * Gaze with wonder at the beautiful, detailed artwork of nature by Tiffany Bozic. * Look at the new, free online edition of Covet Magazine. I really like this! * ' Seeing the world one drawing at a time '- the tagline of this awesome site, Urban Sketchers * Their patterns and products are totally my bag, baby: Rickshaw Designs

A true gentleman, published novelist and poet Collin Kelley has my respect big time. At my request, he sent me his beautiful novel, Conquering Venus which can be found for sale on Amazon here, for me to review here....and I never did. Life gets in the way, but I made an agreement and didn't follow through, which isn't like me, and I'm embarrassed about it. Meanwhile, Collin has never given me a hard time about it, has continued to be supportive and kind in his comments on Flux, and has proved that gentlemen still exist. What a fine fellow. Please go visit his blog here, and look at the bundle package he's offering for his novels. He's hard at work on getting out the sequel to Conquering Venus! Collin's writing is enchanting and Conquering Venus was a wonderful read, a love story that takes place in Paris, complete with mystery, beautiful metaphor, and intoxicating setting.

I'm going to finish a few loose ends now, then take a nap, pick up the kids from school, and I'll be back later. I am SO EXCITED to meet my baby! The Doc said I probably will be in the hospital until Saturday morning, but I'm going to try to get Mr. Curry to do a quick update either Thursday evening or Friday day to say hi and let you all know she was born. Love you guys!!

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Thursday C-Section and A Significant Passage

Lola's Thank You Card to our OBGYN, front

Yesterday's appointments and ultrasound revealed a decidedly breech and overdue Evercakes. So game on: C-Section this Thursday at 12:30. I can't believe how close I am to holding my baby, to seeing her face!!!! Mr. Curry took Monday off to come to the appointments with me and we had a wonderful day. Nothing and everything. Just being with him right now is the best thing for me, feeling his big hands on me, watching his face, hearing his voice- no better medicine and no better intoxicant. My mom will be here at 8am Thursday morning to take Dakota, Ian and Lola to breakfast, and then come to the hospital around noon. Mr. Curry's sister will be there, his parents, grandparents, my mom. I am hoping not to go into labor beforehand, because with an emergency C-Section I won't have my OBGYN doing the surgery. So here's to calm uterine muscles.

Oh and so not last, so not least!---
Last night I attended Dakota's last 'official' night at the program he started a few months ago. He graduated ... with flying colors. I got to listen to everyone attending say a few- or more- words about what they see in Dakota, and I could not have been more proud. I am sure if someone had photographed my face, beams of light would have been shooting out of my eyeballs. One man, the father of another boy in the program who works as a manager in business, said that he regularly sits at business meetings with men who have half of Dakota's intelligence, composure and self assurance. He said that whatever Dakota wants to do with his life, if he sets his mind to it, he can do. He said that Dakota has a kind leadership quality with his peers that is influential and his strongest trait, and he hopes Dakota uses it as a strong force in his life. The main person who has worked with Dakota, a woman I absolutely respect and adore, talked for a good ten minutes about how much she cares for Dakota, how everyone who meets him is struck with his genuineness and big heart, and all the qualities she loves about him. At the end of the nite, I told Dakota I was going to start my OWN support group, and have everyone sit around a table and talk about me!!! He laughed and said I'd probably insist that everyone stay longer, No, really, keep talking about mee!

Now he moves to attending a follow up support group once a week. Mr. Curry takes him tonite to his discharge meeting, and when they return home, I plan on having something special for him, a small gift, just a gesture to try to tell him, again, how proud I am of him, how much I love him, how important he is to us.

Damn it. My heart is too full. I feel it will break open.

..and inside

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Kiss List and More Where That Came From

Kissing Lola Moon

Grateful for my blog friends and the amazing supportive words, and the Paypal donations for maternity leave, just completely humbled, and promising, promising! to pass it on.

Reading The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo

Contracting day and night, mostly night or when walking

Water Breaking, Plug et al Bodily Functions Relating To Birth none

Dining with Mr. Curry, kids all elsewhere, cheap burger joint, ate half a basket of french fries and onion rings and a burger, tried to keep myself from crying over said burger when Mr. Curry told me I was beautiful, because I feel like the bloat monster moat monster freckled face jiggly juggle

Speaking of Crying it was last night, when I intended to make love to my husband in our new bed but instead ended up crying and crying for a good half hour while he listened and talked to me and did I ever tell you all I love my husband?

Listening To Lola talking. non. stop. nervous energy.

Luxuriating in new queen sized plush top mattress via my wonderful mom, amaaaazing, two and half hour nap today

Working Weekend woke at 6am this morning to go to work with Mr. Curry ( he is taking weekend work all the time now ) and Lola, and climbed into a SEMI TRAILOR at nine months overdue and pregnant ( no pictures ) marveled at Mr. Curry's ability to fit enormous TRex size Mayflower truck into extremely small space ( metaphor intended )

Enjoying the beautiful blue icicle lights Mr. Curry and Ian hung around our house, and our Christmas tree, which put together with a new baby, our new baby, is really too much happiness for any one girl

Loving watching TV with Mr. Curry each night, with fire log crackling and candles lit, most often eating some form of chocolate and receiving a foot rub

Hating my anxiety

Inspired by A Million Miles In A Thousand Years

Closer to Ever...feeling her move in my belly is now so emotional, I feel her feet, her entire feet, pressing upward on my ribs and cannot believe this entire brand new person is completely formed and living INSIDE OF ME, just waiting to come out, my daughter, my girl, our girl, oh my gosh!

Hoping my OBGYN appointments tomorrow ( Mr. Curry took the day off to come with me, yay! ) will result in something, even swiping of membranes...

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Due Date

Today's the day. And no sign of baby :) Friday's stress test showed she is healthy, but in transverse position. I am drained of everything but waiting for this girl. I have no intellectual thoughts. No profound emotions. No depth. Just an animalistic hunkering down, a quietude, and irritation when that is interrupted. It's hard with Lola. She wants to talk, and talk, and talk, and relieve her anxiety. And all I want is silence. And people who can be around me without getting all nerved up themselves, people who can detach and be calm, so I can feel calm. Instead, mostly I get high nervous excitement, and the same questions and comments over and over. I know it's part of the game plan for people to do that, and for me to not like it, but it doesn't make it any more fun. I'm surprised how upset I feel with the constant questions and comments on my state of being. Wow you look exhausted. You are still pregnant! When is that baby coming? And most fun: My God you are huge! I don't have one ounce in me that wants to joke or do friendly banter, so when I smile quietly, then I get What's wrong? NOTHING IS WRONG I'M JUST WAITING TO HAVE A BABY ANY SECOND NOW AND I DON'T FEEL JOKEY. I FEEL VERY VERY VERY PREGNANT. I"M TRYING TO GATHER MYSELF TO FACE A HUGE PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL UPHEAVAL THAT IS SLIGHTLY TERRIFYING WHILE ALSO WONDERFUL. AND HOW ARE YOU?

And anxious. I don't know what I'm facing. A C-Section?-which I've never had. Vaginal birth after a version, after an epidural?-which I've never had before, either? The way doctors handle the end of the pregnancy is nerve wracking, like at any second something could go horribly wrong. With Lola and the midwives it was assumed everything was healthy and great. With Kaiser it's been test! test! more testing! And then one time because it took Ever two hours to kick ten times, the doc decided I needed non-stress testing twice a week, in addition to my appointment with her. So every time I go in, there is one more person saying how sick I must be of being pregnant, and there is always one moment when they are confused/worried about SOMETHING, and the horrible pause until it's figured out that everything was in fact, OK. The last nurse that saw me on Friday had fuck-all idea of what she was doing, and terrified me because she saw a big black thing and thought it was my bladder and then realized it wasn't and then couldn't figure out what it was and had no problem delivering this chain of thoughts to me out loud in a highly nervous and confused voice. With my medical history I immediately was concerned it was a cyst, and she could not dispel that. I think we cleared it up that it was...ready for this shocking news... amniotic fluid!!! Can you believe a 9 month pregnant woman had amniotic fluid around her baby's head!!?? I asked the nurse what she was seeing and she said irritably, I don't know, I'm not an ultrasound tech. Then to sum it all up, she announced Ever is transverse. I replied, Isn't that a problem for vaginal birth? She chirped back No! Hm. I thought it was...I mused out loud. No! She chirped. I got home and read that vaginal birth is not possible with a transverse baby, you have to get the baby to move as labor begins, usually done with a quick epi and then an attempt at version- if that doesn't work, it's C-Section. As Charlie Brown perfected: arghahahahahhhh. As Saturday Night Live News Break perfected: Really?

It's emotionally exhausting. And Mr. Curry can't come to most of these, because we can't afford for him to miss work. So in addition to keeping myself calm, I've had Lola with me all week on Thanksgiving break, at every appointment, asking me a million questions, always asking in the end: Is everything OK? and: Is everything going to be OK? Which is so hard, because part of me just wants to yell I Don't Know!!!! I Think So! When I would like to just be crying as I drive home, relieving the tension. Instead of listening to the latest Taylor Swift and trying not to cry.

Last night we took the kids, and Evan Poe, to get a Xmas tree. Then we got respective coffees and chocolates, and headed home. It was a really lovely, cold evening and I felt very happy to be with my family. Today Mr. Curry will wake from his nap, and he and Ian will hang the lights and set up the tree. At some point I will grocery shop and Mr. Curry Lola and I will go on a walk. I love you all and thank you for your continued prayers and supportive thoughts. xoxo

Friday, November 26, 2010

feast photos

Bloated face. Swollen hands. Jiggly thighs. Joyful but exhausted. It's 39 weeks pregnant me, and the lovely Lola Moon.

Partial Pack- we didn't have Ian until 6pm that evening.

Uncle Jack and my mom. My mom made a huge and absolutely mouth watering Thanksgiving meals, one of those kinds which every dish is perfect. I ate TWO plates and THREE pieces of pie, between starting point and midnight. Burp.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Are You There, God? It's Me, Maggie

... I'd Like To Say, Thank You For My Pack

this is
Lola Moon. she has toes shaped like sea shells. her neck smells like vanilla cupcakes. her armpits stink like little girls on the brink. she made a card for our baby doctor that said ' you made one life new. you made one hart beat. thank you for taking care of my sister. last year my mommy had a miskarrage and so you can see this is relly importent to me. ' every evening as her bath water pours, she sits in the tub and sings until the bath is full.

these are my boys.
Dakota Wolf loves underground rap and has delightful appreciation for a slew of words strung together in a clever way. he debates philosophical ideas with his friends. he makes me laugh, often, and often at myself. he loves his dog like a fairy tale, and his dog would die for him. said dog is a fat golden retriever who lugs his aching hips onto Dakota's bed and sprawls out on top of Dakota's 6 foot frame to settle in for sleep. Dakota treats girls with respect and expresses to me compassion for how hard it is to be a teenage girl. his hair is in soft blonde waves and his eyes are huge and blue and filled with intelligence and heart and depth. Ian Oliver is highly unusually disciplined for a person of any age, much less 14. his brain is like a finely tuned computer that he knows how to program. since he was a little baby I have cared for his bobble head, glasses wearing self. his eyes twinkle. he always looks for an opportunity to be mischevious, but doesn't shy away from hard work. he has both brains and brawn. he's a team player at heart in family life, even when his biological age resists. he is loyal to the bone. Dakota and Ian are a team.

Mr. Curry. it's too much to express in writing at this moment. he is the centre that holds.
Ever. we will meet her and learn her soon. sniff her neck, lick her belly, scruff her gently underneath her chin, stare into her eyes, adding her to the pack. she will be circled round and we will love her with all our hearts for all our lives.

Thank You, life.

Monday, November 22, 2010

One Day On Earth: Vimeo (including my interview about falling in love with Mr. Curry)

Pixley One Day (Morning) from Taymar Pixley on Vimeo.

When Taymar came down for the baby shower, she was filming her video for One Day On Earth. Taymar has been on my blog before, the story of our friendship here. She's an amazing woman, talented, gypsy like, independent, alternative, creative, loving and truly a free spirit, in a time of so few. The video includes 2 short interviews with my Dakota and Lola, both of which I'm so proud of I could just pop. ( hee hee ) It's fascinating to me to see the difference in Dakota from the time this was taken and the short distance to now. The program he is in is fantastic. And in the middle somewhere, is an interview with me about how I fell in love with Mr. Curry, and what I think love is. Also included is T's boyfriend, Max, her son ( Lola's bestie ) Caspian, and one of Dakota's closest friends - since 5th grade- Evan Poe- and in the end, although he avoided an actual interview, you can catch a glimpse of Ian Oliver. My family!
The room that the piece opens in is our master bedroom, when the furniture had been all pulled out and it was being used as a storage dump: before carpet cleaning, wall painting and new bed. You can see our whole house in massive move-everything-around-and paint-there-is-a-baby-coming! transition, so sigh... kind of embarrassing!
Love, Maggie May

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Expecting Ever: the Days Before, and 38 Week Pregnant Pictures

Friday Night: 6pm All kiddos, Mr. Curry and I head to theatre for Harry Potter and the Deathy Hallows: Part One. We are HUGE Harry Potter Fans. We never go as an entire family to the movies because of the cost- except! for when a new HP comes out. It's like Christmas, we talk about it all year. Matter of fact, one of the first things Mr. Curry and I talked about after getting Ever's due date was the chances of her due date conflicting with this opening! We eat at home, head to the theatre, and stand in line with all the other fanatics for hours, ensuring we get great seats. We each get to pick a treat ( I got 2- An icee and pretzel with cheese, yummmm ) and settle in for the epic. Aunt Kristy met us in line and had made pumpkin treats for the kids. I did really well with all the standing and sitting. I was supposed to go hang out at Barnes and Noble with Lola while Mr. Curry and the boys kept our place, but we opted to just hang. I am feeling very internalized right now, very quiet, but I still had fun. I had the great and joyful and whole feeling I get that is very specific to my entire family being together.
Friday Night: 11:30pm We get home from the movie, and as Lola and the boys are crawling into bed, I listen to a message on our machine from an OBGYN I've never met who reviewed my non-stress test from Friday afternoon. ' Come in for more monitoring immediately, ' she instructed. ' You had points of no signal on your test. ' Sigh. I knew why this was, and if this doctor had anything to actually do with me or my baby she would know also that this wasn't a concern- it was because Evercakes had gone absolutely shanky during the monitoring, and was visibly CRYING on the ultrasound, turning her head side to side like infants do, with her tiny little furious fists clenched at the sides of her head, kicking. The monitor would lose track of her heartbeat occasionally because she was so incredibly active. You could see the monitor actually jump and move because she was kicking so hard. But this doctor doesn't know that. So we left Dakota in charge of Lola, sleeping in bed with her, and locked up the house, and left. We called as soon as we got to the hospital and Lola was already asleep, Dakota and Ian on their way. As suspected, everything was perfectly fine. I had a small emotional crisis thinking that Mr. Curry was lusting after the monitor nurse because she was very thin with huge breasts and attractive. ' I think you are sick of my pregnant body, ' I told him. He said all the right things and Dakota, overhearing our conversation, told me that I had married a saint. Hmph.
Saturday Morning: 6am Mr. Curry wakes to work.
Saturday Morning: 11pm I wake to find Lola watching TV and Ian gone to help Mr. C at work, Dakota getting dressed. I get dressed, and take Dakota and Lola to meet my mom at Rubios. She takes Dakota to a friends while Lola and I window shop the Christmas decor at Pier gorgeous, so cheerful. It is pouring rain, literally pouring. I feel blissful. The rain, the Christmas decor, music, Lola holding my hand, and I'm waiting for my baby. We get small drinks at Coffee Bean and head to Home Depot. I buy a lovely blue paint for the master bedroom, the last step in getting ready for our baby. After Mr. Curry paints the room on Sunday with the help of his friend, ( after he goes to work, again- 7 day work week ) we will move in the brand new, queen sized mattress my awesome mom bought us as a gift!!!! The first new mattress either of us have ever owned in our adult life, it's absolute heaven. We took Lola and her best friend Kailin to pick it out and they had so much fun at Sleeptrain that they asked if they could have their birthday parties there. Who knew? Plus I used my magazine culled bargaining skills and got our Barack Obama look alike salesguy to reduce the already reduced price ( huge sales right now ) 5%. My mom was happy about that.
Saturday Late Afternoon: 4pm Lola and I arrive home. Her Netflixed ' Three Men and a Baby ' awaits. Ian leaves, Mr. Curry and I discuss the phone call I just had. My OBGYN Dr. G called and said we need to schedule a CSection. Evercakes is still breech and I'm due in a week. If I want my doctor to do the CSection, I have to take the dates she has open, which are the 24th, Thanksgiving Day, or December 2cd. We are leaning toward this Wednesday. It's overwhelming to decide this. Mr. Curry is worried that if I go into labor before December 2cd- which is more likely I will, as it's past my due date and both Lola and Dakota were before their due dates, and it's my 3rd birthing- that I might have her very quickly, and complications could arise. He wants to do this Wednesday. I feel very, very strange about accepting a CSection when there is a possibility, however small, that she could turn. On the other hand, I don't want a doctor I"ve never met before doing the CSection, and if I go into labor before Dec 2, that's what would happen.
Saturday Night: 5:30pm Mr. Curry and I will put Lola to bed early for a Saturday, so that we can have one last night 'alone'. We plan on serious intimacy. Barry White low toned alone. Yeah.

The rain is coming down, our house is ready for this baby- almost all ready, minus the master bedroom- with her things all put together. My mom bought me the amazingly awesome and so cute Graco FlipIt stroller for the baby shower, and it sits all adorable and put together waiting for her birth, with it's turquoise lining and polka dots. A final order using my gift cards is coming from Baby Earth, which is where I registered for my shower, and Ever's butterfly swing is coming, along with a nighttime nursing bra and nursing pads and a glass bottle. Her clothes and blankets are all washed and folded and put away in the beautiful white changing table/dresser I was given to by a work friend. Her crib is ready, just waiting for the crib sheet to arrive with the Baby Earth package. Most importantly, we are ready. All five of us are visibly excited now, expecting Ever.

artwork by Mr. EJ Curry aka baby daddy

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Welcome SPONSOR: Flourish In Progress ( a blog adventure about not spending money for a year! )

When I stumbled across Elizabeth I was drawn into her blog Flourish In Progress because she is funny, witty, and was a mother at 19 like I was. After reading further, I realized that FIP is not only a blog, but a project in which Elizabeth has dedicated an entire year to no extraneous spending- at all! Obviously she has to spend money on food, her bills, things of essential nature like that, but she made a clear list of what was a no-no, and it's pretty much...everything else!

Like I first noticed, she was a single mom at 19, and after living a very strictly budgeted life, she married and became a serial spender: hence the inspiration to live on the down low for one full year. (...and the Holidays are here...gulp! )

Read the funny story of how she fought herself and almost divorced over an accordion folder file. Impulse buying is addictive and she's breaking the cycle!!! I follow Elizabeth's blog now and was thrilled to have her on a a sponsor- she's in the true Flux spirit, a strong, intelligent woman with a clever mind who is also often laugh out loud funny :)

Elizabeth is also on Babble's list of mom blogs, so you can vote for her there, too. And remember to vote for Flux Capacitor! I'm on Page One, and moving slowly up the ranks, so please vote if you have not, I so appreciate it! :)

i can totally do this pregnancy thing as long as i have to.

..... fine!! it's a blatent lie i'm telling myself, but we all have to get through the day.

my take on Madonna's What It Feels Like To Be A Girl
redux: What It Feels Like To Be 38 Weeks

stomach like a water balloon filled by adolescent boys
(now that sounds plain wrong oh hells)

peeing every half hour it feels like someone is tweaking my bladder
with Pamela Anderson fingernails

i cannot sleep without something between my legs
( now that doesn't sound good )

i have the sex drive of a teenage girl
but can't reach the goods beneath the hood

my hips are ripped and my abs are shot
stretched to the point of oh hell no

my breasts inflate and make me hate
that i've 10 more days to go

because engorgement is not your friend
when it creeps in private places

and everyone looks at you like an animal in the zoo
and you want to pinch their faces

do you know? what it feels like, for a girl?
do you know? what it feels like in this world
when your body is huge and your skin is not smooth
and you'd rather be drooling in bed
take a chance and eat elephants
and get a glimpse into my head
do you know??

(i'm so sorry Madonna.)

band of horses

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

you will accept the beautiful gifts

-Even though someone else is dying. Even though somewhere, there is a small child hurting that you can't help, that you don't even know about. Even though in your very own family, someone is probably hurting at this very moment. Even though today, as you carried new life and rejoiced in your children, a family in your community was laying to eternal rest their 17 year old son, Tyler. Even though some day, maybe tomorrow, you might be facing the worse pain of your life: Because some day, maybe tomorrow, you might face the worse pain of your life- because of this, it is the height of egoism and waste to feel guilty for being blessed. To feel the tremble of the Universe's great jaws as you are embraced and carried along what would have been a long, lonely and hard walk: because you have walked there, and because you will again, and because you can only offer those you love what you can carry inside of you: you will accept your joy without shame, without guilt, without fear.

Or: you will feel the fear, and you will ignore it. You will give it a sideways glance of pity and perhaps a nod of recognition, and you will walk into your gifts with an open heart. You will accept the beautiful gifts, because you deserve beautiful things to happen even though you are not perfect, and even though you have caused pain to other people in your life, and even though you probably will again. You will embrace the joy around you because you wish your children to embrace the joy around them. You will accept love and care and abundance because these things will strengthen your blood when your blood runs thin, when Aslan is revealed as the King and your feet are in thin air and you realize it is your time to mourn: because then, only if you have this rich once-loved blood, will you be able to go where you are being carried without taking everyone you love with you.

You will be loved deeply because you wish to love deeply. You recognize that suffering is ongoing in this world, and accept that refusing your deepest, most profound joys to sink as far as they can into your heart is not protecting anyone, anywhere from their pain.

You cannot hoard your happiness in a cellar, untouched, so as to offer it to those who are in despair. It doesn't work like that.

How it works is so simple and deconstructed that you feel you have missed the point- but you haven't: you take what you are given, you are grateful for it, you embrace it, and then when someone is in front of you that you can help or heal in any small or large way, you do so. That is your moral obligation, your spiritual foundation, and the reason to exist with other human beings. If you do not take what you are offered by the Universe, you will not be able to give when the hungry and despairing heart is lain into your hand like the sparrow God keeps his eye on. If you want to love more, do not refuse to be loved.

It is this: You cannot stop loss by refusing love. You can only make loss mean something by ever having been loved and by loving.

This is the meaning behind the horror: we give meaning with our lives. We create meaning with our action. Create the world you want your children to believe in. Face love and accept it. You cannot change the end of the story. You can change the story, though.

Get to it.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Welcome: Ever's Virtual Baby Shower!!!

I am the luckiest blogging 38 weeks pregnant girl...ever... because some of my bloggy friends have gotten together and decided to throw an online baby shower for Mr. Curry, myself and our baby-to-be, Ever Elizabeth!!!

I am thrilled !!! One way of participating is to leave a message for my family and I on my comment section, with whatever you'd like to say :) I will save those in print outs and put them in Ever's baby book!! How awesome, such a modern baby :)

We did have a real life baby shower, and were blessed with wonderful and useful and cute things, but like so many families we are struggling to make it paycheck to paycheck, and my disability leave is difficult, to say the least. The girls have set up a Donate button for my maternity fund, that goes straight to my Paypal account, as well as links to my registry at Babies R Us for the leftover things we don't have yet. I put the Paypal button on the top left of Flux Capacitor :)

This generous and thoughtful gathering of ladies below are hosting the shower, so go visit if you'd like to participate!!:

THREE Ms Moon---- Bless Our Hearts actual URL:

FOUR Mindy---- Petit Fleur's Adventures actual URL:

FIVE Stephanie----Unsweet Mama, actual URL:

I also registered at BabiesRUs for the remaining items we need:

  • BABIESRUS-- The account can be accessed by name: Maggie Ethridge or Registry #: 46171571

I cannot wait to read the messages from my online friends, and thank you SO MUCH to you ladies for thinking of this, Melinda for organizing it, and you all for participating. This is something so fun and so sweet and so happy for me to think about and enjoy right now, and it means so much to me. I love you guys!!!

Update From The Trenches: 37 Weeks Pregnant

Here it is, the final stretch, the final countdown- (duhhduhduhdunnnnit'sthefinalcountdown) and I'm pretty much in the same boat ( heavily weighed on my end ) as the other mothers-to-be at this stage who I've tracked down online. Huge. My hips are killing me all the time now, not just at night- but when they wake me up at night, it feels like someone put metal pins in my hips, and I turn over to the other side at which point sometimes I can fall back asleep, and sometimes I end up watching True Tales From The E.R. at 3am. Here's a farmer's wife talking about herself at this stage: Minimize, Don't Organize.

Details I'm Sharing Which You Might Want To Skip: the flatulence / the menstral crampish feeling / the painful Braxton-Hicks / the flipping and turning of baby, which makes me feel like I'm about to vomit from the merry go round / the anxiety / the major mood swings / the constant peeing / the strange and sometimes awful dreams / the guilt that I don't feel how I wish I could feel

Here is Lola: Momma are you OK? ( my response: yes ) Momma are you OK NOW?

Daughters are WAY too in tune with their mothers. If I have a flicker of unsettling emotion she's on it like replay. My eyes are soft and still for a half minute and BAM: HOW ABOUT NOW, MOM? YOU OK NOW???

NO!!! I"M NOT OK!!! I'm peeing myself and my hips kill and I feel like crying about everything and nothing and I have no sense of the proper proportion of things so the sadness I feel over Mr. Curry not bringing the laundry in for me like I asked is pretty much the same as the sadness I feel over my sister not being around for this baby AND I can't breathe properly and Ever won't stop kicking me in the vagina and it HURTS!!!!

I am aware of how I would and should and could feel. I would like to be immersed in graceful gratitude that I am as blessed as I know I am to be having this baby girl. I am so incredibly lucky to have my children and my husband and this baby right now and I know, as well as anyone...well, things I won't write because I am superstitious. But I know. I know I'm blessed.
I had a miscarriage last year at 13 weeks, I remember, Mr. Curry remembers, it was a sharp and awful pain to lose our baby, and we are. very. blessed. ( poor. we live in California and are in medical debt up the wazoo, and i'm on disability. but blessed. )

And still, I can't feel it. I can think it. I can know it. But right now, I'm not feeling it. It doesn't even seem real, yet. She moves inside of me, I can feel her entire body rotating, and still, I can't grasp that any day now, she will actually be here, an entire baby, OUR baby, for real. Mr. Curry and I had the night alone last night- well, from 5pm to 8:30pm. So we went out to dinner and shared fries and sat and tried to get our minds around what was coming. At home we watched Dexter until Lola came home. Mr. Curry read her Harry Potter while I cleaned up dog pee and washed dishes, and then I read her one book, and then Mr. Curry rubbed my feet for what felt like a fabulous eternity and then I scratched his head until I fell asleep sitting up, watching Saturday Night Live. It was the most relaxing night I've had in a while, and I slept through the night for the first time in weeks. Awesome.

I keep feeling like we should be having sex every day. We aren't going to be able to have sex for weeks and weeks after. I have a rule about this which is a theory I have had passed on to me about how to keep your lady parts ship shape. This means no sex for a few months. But sex ( Beavis and Butthead laugh here, I said but sex ) is ridiculous and frustrating. I know other women feel all bawchicabawbaw when pregnant, but not me. I feel kind of ... weird, with this ginormous baby flickering her guppy flickers in my belly while I get down with her Father. I can't really immerse myself in the moment like I usually do. Plus my arms start quivering when I have to hold any kind of pressure, and I get leg cramps and foot cramps the second I get close to blasting off, and my back hurts, and I can't breathe half the time because of the pressure on my chest, and I feel geriatric.

I'm so ready.


I'm as ready as I could be.

That's more like it.

Friday, November 12, 2010

things you might not need to survive but would really, really like to know about all the same

CORRECTION: I accidentally had linked the wrong post in this first listing here. So those of you who were wondering what the hell remembering veterans had to do with my childhood, now you can rest assured I haven't totally lost it. Yet. Correct link is now up below, and the post is absolutely a stunner. Ruth's husband's guitar link was not working either, for reasons known only to my computer, but is now working. Check it out, third link on the list! Spread the word for them, trying to make it with a self started business in this economy is rough and brave.

This post
actually helped me deal more with the hardness of my life, the things that have been or are hard, my childhood especially, and the things it left me to work out for the rest of my life, like a complicated knit sweater I realized at the very end loop was all wrong, all along. It's a beautiful piece of writing but more than that, I prize it because it is knowledge or wisdom earned not from books or lectures or contemplation or any external source, but from experience internalized.

Ever flipped again. I went to a non stress test for her, and everything looks great. I got to see her 'practice breathing' which brought tears to my eyes. And I got to see that her head was once again upward, pressing against my left rib cage. So. There you have it. What can I do? Just wait.

Ruth wrote me about her husband's new-ish business, and it's pretty awesome. If you are a musician or know a musician, you want to look at this gorgeousness

A great, interesting interview with Po Bronson, author of Nutureshock and father of two, on his book about scientific information and parenting choices. This is a book I have on my Amazon list and have found fascinating to flip through in Borders.

I'm on page 1 of the Babble list thanks to you guys! Thank you so much if you've voted, it's a small thing I know but it makes me happy!

Love, love this discussion and brief interview with Lori Munson regarding the memoir she wrote about her marriage, This Is Not The Story You Think It Is: An Unlikely Season Of Happiness, on Lindsey's nourishment-for-the-soul blog A Design So Vast. I'm putting this book in my cart; I aspire to write so honestly and movingly about my own marriage here on Flux.

Something beautiful? Something unique? Here.

Saving the best for last, bring out your tissues and close your cubicle, tell your children you need 15 minutes without disturbance, let them turn the TV on. Because once you start reading this, and then get to the point where you realize what kind of story you are reading- that it's not the birth story you thought you were reading- you will not be able to stop. One of the most moving, heartwrenching and breathtaking posts I've ever read online. Thank me later. And thank Girl Who for linking it, so I could find it, and link it to you.

Maggie May
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